Husbando

 Dear Abang, 

I am writing this while you're on your way to airport. It has been long since the last time I write in this blog. This time it full with emotion. I still blame myself until now though you convinced me it was not my mistake by choosing to be on the platform. Kinda felt like a selfish wife. I should be aware that you're on standby which means anytime you will be calling to sail. It should be me packing your stuff not you did it my yourself because it is my duty as your wife. Tonight it should be me that accompany you at the airport. It should be me the last person you hug before parted away. 

Remember the last time you sailed before we married? It was me that sent you of the the gate. I still remembered clearly you wipe my tears and said "I pergi kerja nak cari duit untuk kita kahwin. Janganlah nangis. Tak lama pun 3 bulan je." But it not happened after we married. I still onboard. My flight will be on 18 nov 10am. Few hours after you fly. I try so hard finds a way to go back home earlier but faith says otherwise. Thus I do understand Allah really wants to teach me that I dont have a power in controlling time. 

Ever since I reached KT then onboard, I cried every night thinking bout you and the serba salah that I felt because leaving you just to chase work. Everyday  I will lepak belakang galley alone just to watch sunset. It feels calm by watching the waves and sometimes watching my catering crews fishing. The sorrow that I felt lead to voices inside my head asking to jump into the ocean so that I could meet you before you sailing. Now I realize to be able to working at sea, I need to be able to take care of my mental state. 

Exactly two months after we married, we both have to part away for a moment because of work. I have nothing but only doa for my husbando. Two months feels like a years. Setiap hari I bangun the only thing I want is looking forward creating and cherish every moment with you. Paling penting appreciating you. Hari-hari I penuh dengan you. Cinta dan kasih yang you bagi tu menenangkan I. Hence I tak pernah berhenti doa untuk you even I dalam tren tengah layan mata nak tidur. Pernah satu malam I hugged you from back while you sleep. I doa panjang sangat untuk you while nangis secretly behind you till ada kesan nangis I on your tshirt without you realized it. I told Allah jangan ambil you because I cant live without you. Proof? Right now. I'm crying bila you sailing. I'm crying every night because I rindu my husbando.

One week before I onboard, we went for gynae Aunty Wan. She diagnosed me with adenomyosis. You were there beside me. Hugged me. Your words comforted me in a way I changed my mentality immediately to have a baby. Maybe it was because of your doa untuk lembutkan hati I so that my mental ready to have a baby. You tak give up when I down a lil bit. Hence I semangat nak baik. I jaga makan and tak minum air manis sejak onboard. May Allah bless us with kid next year. Umi and Daddy, right? :P

Abang, thank you for being a good husbando to me. A kind and loving husbando. Never ever you raise your voice towards me even before kahwin pun. You and your soft spoken character. Always catch my heart. You know youre my idol? The one that I always look up as example. The one that always apologize first despite me being a stubborn wife. After all the trauma you had faced, you deserves all the kindness and happiness. Thus, I promise myself to always pampering you. 

Abang, thank you for accepting me as your wife. Thank you for being my comfort zone and safest place. Being your wife is the most proudest moment in my life. We are two people from being you & me become us that choose to forgive each other each time we have a conflict and still choose each other everyday. Fair winds and following sea cinta. See your for the next 4 months. Home will not feels home anymore when you are away. I know it's gonna be tough without you but we got this kan Abang. 

Iloveyou Abang. Going to miss my husbando

Your wife

Tangga Barat Platform

18 Nov 2025 - 1:50am 

Pure intention

 12:45am

I am writing on these plain paper after finished my work. Yes I still work at this hour. Need to conduct internal audit tmr. A bit of last minute documentation finale check before the actual day. I always hv this nerve wrecking each time I hv to do something big hahahahah.

Okay back to the story, currently I am still on my laptop. Reminiscing our conversation that we had tonight. It was beautiful. I feels wonderful after we talk. You being you. An honest guy. Just you and your pure intention. A change. For good. And you does not leave me behind. Mungkin Tuhan sudah menjawab doa ku sedikit demi sedikit. Tak semua tapi ada yang dikabulkan Tuhan. Itu sudah memadai. Di saat aku sudah tidak berharap lagi pada manusia dan aku serahkan semuanya pada Dia, doa yang aku ratibkan di setiap sela-sela sujud itu rupanya yang dikabulkan Tuhan. 

Sebak itu ada. Bukan sedikit. Tapi banyak sekali. Bercampur-baur rasanya. Rasa syukur memenuhi relung-relung hati yang pastinya. Lalu aku sujud lagi sekali sebagai tanda syukur pada Dia untuk perubahan K yang satu ini. Lama aku tunggu. Betul, Tuhan itu yang memegang hati manusia. Sesiapa sahaja boleh dapat hidayah tanpa kita sangka cara Tuhan aturkan. Ya muqallibal qulub tsabbit qalbi ala diinik. 

Dear Feyonce, I am beyond grateful with your change. A baby step yet with a pure intention. A baby step before we married. Couldnt be more proud of you. Kalau orang tanya apa yang buat I jatuh cinta sekali lagi dan lagi dan lagi dengan you is you always want to be a better person. Not just for me but for yourself. And with that I am so thankful to Him for giving you to me. A wonderful gift that I want to cherish and love. 

2025

New chapter. 

It has been 3 years plus since the last time I wrote here. Tonight I feels like want to write. I have been writing on padlet all these while but I have reached the limit so that was the reason I came to these blog. My feyonce (opss :P) have been reading my curhat on my notes. I kinda segan actually dont really like he read my notes. I totally okay if he read when not infront of me and pls jangan dibahas or asking me bout it bisa ga sih. Cukup lho baca sendiri aja. Writing on these white paper gv me a peace and therapeutic to me. My instinct brought me here tonight.

2023

I engaged to the man that I hv been waiting for almost a year. He disappeared the moment I need him. After almost a year he went missing, he came with a proposal. I will nvr forget the day we met for the first time. You just turun kapal for few hours. I drove 2 hours from Kuala Selangor just to meet you. I was completely unaware how much how much you would mean to me. 

2024

We went thru a lot of ups and down especially during you sailing and I was onboard at the same time. Both of us was busy with our work. You was busy built a career and I was exploring another chance in my industry. I had a mental breakdown few times at offshore. Admitted hospital due to food poisoning. Outstation here and there. Home is just a place to sleep only. Busy hustling and flying high. I thanked God for the support system that I got from ibu abah all family members and ofcourse from you. 

2025

Currently youre sailing and I will onboard next month. Juggling between office life, offshore life, personal life and wedding preparation. Yes we are just two months to our wedding day. And K is still sailing. He's gonna be home next month. Cant wait to fetch him on the demob day. You macam pelangi. You muncul bila hujan dah berhenti. You came the moment I was lost. Looking for something that Im not sure what Im looking for. You isi balik tangki yang kosong. You tampal balik semua luka yang pernah wujud satu satu. You sembuhkan balik parut yang pernah ada. You terima I walaupun trauma I tak hilang. Lepastu you ajar I untuk belajar berdamai dengan semua yang pernah jadi. Susah. Sebab I jenis susah nak lupa sebab tak pernah dapat a proper apologize from people who hurt me. Sampai sekarang susah nak praktis apa you ajar. I still in my baby steps. 

You said you also pernah gv me a trauma that make me hard to forget bout it. I senang nak maafkan tapi susah lupa. A part of me ada lagi rasa susah nak percaya dan I rasa bersalah untuk itu sebab susah nak percaya. Tapi you dah banyak berubah since that day. Lagi banyak berubah sejak kita tunang. Tapi ada these voices coming these past few days that remind me of the tragedy. I hate to think bout it. Maybe the reason I teringat that tragedy was because I singgah Coffee Bean S2 to get some matcha last week. We went there after 2 days from the tragedy. I still remembered we went for coffee while I teman you siapkan my lego. I cried in front of you once reached your home. After that we nvr been there anymore. We are getting married in few months je lagi but I keep having a nightmare. Lagi dekat dengan tarikh nikah makin pelik pelik mimpi. Tengok you banyak berubah sejak tunang, I couldnt be more proud of. Till now. That's for sure. 

Why I wrote here and never tell you bout the voices in my head? Because Idw to make you sad. Idw you to feel that I ungkit the tragedy. The voices suddenly came without warning. I hate to think bout it. Idw to make you sad and disappointing you. 

The tragedy that happened on my birthday 2023 was a nightmare. So does a week before our engagement day where you decided to leave me.  Tapi tak tahu where I got the tenang to face it on my birthday. Maybe I can see that you can change to be a better you the I saw you for the first time. And yes you changed after we got engaged. I still making a dua for you to be a best version of you till now. Seeing you now always make me smile. Your efforts are the reason I can forget the tragedy slowly. 

Kasih sayang yang you bagi telah meruntuhkan ego yang aku punya, melembutkan hati yang dulu keras benar untuk melupakan sesuatu hal. Dengan you, I boleh jadi diri sendiri without fearing of you judging me. Dengan you, I boleh jadi fragile bila-bila masa yang I nak. Dengan you, I boleh cerita apa je. He treat me with gentleness. Setiap hari I doa dekat Tuhan supaya I lupakan semua trauma yang you pernah bagi dekat I. I can see your effort making me happy again after that tragedy. I appreciate the effort. A lot. Hati I tetap untuk you. Your name has been in my doa since 2022 till now and I will nvr stop mention your name in my doa. Setiap hari I cakap terima kasih Tuhan sebab hadiahkan I lelaki baik and sayang I macam nyawa dia sendiri. 

Yang, banyak dah kan kita go thru together and we still stand strong till now. Kalau ingat balik semuanya mesti nangis. I wouldnt be a strong girl facing the reality if life if it is not because of you. Youre everything to me. My happy pil and sunshine. By agreeing to marry you, I doa kasih sayang kita tak pernah putus sampai bila-bila. Cinta you yang besar itu telah memeluk sekeping hati ini yang dulunya merasa lelah dengan dunia. Terima kasih, cinta. Selamanya akan aku jaga kasih sayang kita hingga sorga. 

77 days till our nikah day.